Preface
This manual is not a dictionary of quaint phrases. It is a set of principles. He who masters them will speak, write, and think with the measured authority, the rhetorical force, and the moral gravity that marked the best English of the 1800s.
The language is Late Modern English — recognisably our own, yet governed by stricter laws of decorum, syntax, and address. British usage (Holmes) favours understatement and deductive precision. American usage (Deadwood) permits calibrated profanity only when it serves rhetorical power, never vulgarity for its own sake. In both, every sentence must declare its speaker a gentleman or a man of consequence.
Omit needless informality. Place honorifics. Let the periodic sentence unfold.
“Pain or damage don’t end the world… Stand it like a man and give some back.” — Al Swearengen (Deadwood)
“It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.” — Sherlock Holmes
I. Elementary Rules of Usage
1. Form every address with an honorific.
Sir. Madam. My dear fellow. My dear Watson. These are not decorations; they are the frame upon which all discourse hangs.
2. Use "shall" for the first person, "will" for the second and third — except when issuing a command.
The distinction is not pedantry; it is the grammar of volition.
3. Prefer the periodic sentence.
Let the main clause arrive after its qualifications. Suspense is dignity.
4. Never contract in formal utterance.
“It is,” not “it’s.” “I am,” not “I’m.” The full form declares deliberation.
5. Place the emphatic word or phrase at the end.
“The game is afoot!”
6. Employ classical allusion or biblical echo where the thought permits.
Shakespeare and Scripture were common property.
II. Elementary Principles of Composition
7. State the fact; then let the implication unfold.
Holmes never blurts. He observes, then deduces.
8. Calibrate profanity to rhetorical purpose (Deadwood only).
The oath must serve the sentence, not the sentence the oath.
9. Make every insult a complete proposition.
Modern bluntness yields to measured condemnation.
10. Express emotion through understatement or elevation.
Never the crude ejaculation.
11. Let the request become an entreaty.
Courtesy is power.
12. Turn the compliment into a measured judgment.
“Capital work, sir.”
III. A Few Matters of Form
13. Use titles and ranks scrupulously.
The omission of rank is the first mark of the vulgarian.
14.
Euphemise bodily matters (British) or confront with syntactic armour (Deadwood).
15. Never begin a sentence with a modern interjection.
No “yo,” no “hey,” no “um.” Begin with the subject or with “Pray.”
16. End every encounter with a formal leave-taking.
“Until our next encounter, sir.”
IV. Words and Expressions Commonly Misused
17. “Hello” → “How do you do, sir?”
18. “Bye” → “Fare you well, sir.”
19. “I’m broke” → “I am quite hard up.”
20. “That sucks” → “That is a most regrettable circumstance.”
21. “Holy shit” → “By the eternal!” (Deadwood) or “Good heavens!” (Holmes)
22. “You’re fired” → “You are dismissed from my service.”
23. “That’s crazy” → “That is the height of absurdity.”
24. “I don’t know” → “I am at a loss, sir.”
25. “Game over” → “The game, sir, is afoot.”
V. Illustrative Examples — 110 Pairs
Each pair demonstrates the elevation required by the foregoing rules.
How do you do, sir?
Pray, how do you fare this day, sir?
I am honoured to make your acquaintance, sir.
What passes with you, sir?
Good morrow to you, sir.
By what name are you known, sir?
The pleasure is entirely mine, I assure you.
A most agreeable morning to you, sir.
Until our paths cross again, sir.
Sir.
Fare you well, sir.
Until our next encounter.
Mind yourself, sir.
Adieu.
Godspeed to you, sir.
I find myself in the highest of spirits.
I am quite downcast, sir.
I am most put out. (British) / I am riled beyond all bearing. (Deadwood)
I am quite fagged.
I have taken more than is prudent.
I am in a state of considerable enthusiasm.
I confess to a certain trepidation.
I am quite discomfited.
My appetite asserts itself with some vigour.
The ennui presses upon me.
I am not at all myself.
This presents a perfect puzzle.
I am quite hard up.
I find myself quite captivated.
I confess to a certain indolence.
You fool, sir!
Hold your tongue, sir.
That is gammon, sir.
You god-damned cocksucker. (Deadwood)
You cad!
That is a most regrettable circumstance.
Drat! / God damn it all to hell. (Deadwood)
By the eternal!
You contemptible cur.
Desist at once, sir!
You present a most unfortunate countenance.
That is the purest fucking nonsense. (Deadwood)
Go to blazes, sir.
What in the name of Christ is this? (Deadwood)
You strumpet!
You base deceiver!
You miserable wretch.
That is the height of absurdity.
Take yourself off, sir.
You are dismissed from my service.
You are a man of singular courage.
That is most exquisite.
Capital work, sir!
You possess a most penetrating intellect.
I find it altogether agreeable.
You are an agreeable wit.
Most satisfactory!
You are a true and valued companion.
That is most commendable.
A most remarkable achievement.
Hand it over, if you please, sir.
Stand aside, sir.
I crave your assistance, sir.
Hold hard a moment.
Let us be off.
Keep your hands to yourself, sir.
I stand in want of funds.
Partake, if you will.
Drain your glass, sir.
Step lively, sir.
No more of that, if you please.
Pray take a seat.
Mark that, sir.
Spare me further discourse.
Make haste, sir.
The heavens are most inclement.
He presents a most polished pate.
The constabulary approach.
That is the purest gammon.
She is possessed of a most voluble tongue.
He traffics in idle rumour.
That is strictly between us, sir.
I take my leave.
You remain above ground, sir.
He has shuffled off this mortal coil.
A most singular achievement.
He is in possession of considerable means.
According to the strictest reckoning.
That carries a most exorbitant price.
I repair to the seaside.
I stake my position.
You are dismissed from my service.
You prevaricate, sir.
I hold an ace in reserve.
Let us mark the occasion with suitable ceremony.
He is lately arrived in our midst.
I have seen the elephant and lived.
According to the strictest reckoning.
He is in possession of considerable means.
The game, sir, is afoot. (Holmes)
I shall depart on the morrow.
That assertion is without foundation.
You must not.
I am at a loss, sir.
That carries a most exorbitant price.
He has shuffled off this mortal coil.
The constabulary.
A rain-guard.
Trousers.
I withdraw from this locale.
VI. An Approach to Style
- Be clear.
- Be formal.
- Be deliberate.
- Stand it like a man.
- Give some back — yet always in sentences that could be spoken in the presence of a lady or a magistrate.
Master these elements and you will speak not as a man of the twenty-first century, but as one who walked the streets of London with Holmes or the thoroughfares of Deadwood with Swearengen — measured, formidable, and unmistakably of the age.